


Dark Paradise

by lilolilyrae



Series: Dark Paradise [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Captain America - The First Avenger, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Dark Paradise, Ficlet, Howling Commandos - Freeform, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Songfic, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, canon assumed mcd, lana del rey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 07:50:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: I listened to old Lana del Rey songs for the first time in ages, and somehow i got Stucky feels… <3set after Bucky dies/ until Steve crashed into the ice





	1. National Anthem

**Author's Note:**

> Description: I listened to old [Lana del Rey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ber2JVO3g5Y) songs for the first time in ages, and somehow i got Stucky feels… <3  
> I should probably continue some of my older wips instead of writing a third songficlet, but oh welll
> 
> You‘ll notice that the lyrics are out of order, i wrote down what came to my mind Stucky- wise to every part and then tried to put it into MCU chronological order
> 
> Yes the chapter titles are other Lana del Rey songs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _//All my friends tell me I should move on <br />_   
>  _I'm lying in the ocean singing your song <br />_   
>  _Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah <br />_   
>  _That's how you sang it//_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> The other 'commandos, after the initial shock, talk to him, try to distract him- and he feels outright insulted by it, because how could he feel anything but unhappy, with Bucky gone? 
> 
> Peggy is handling it better, she tells him that not everything is lost, that they still have a war to win, that Bucky's loss shouldn't be in vain.  
> 

_\- - - All my friends tell me I should move on - - -_

 

Steve is a complete wreck after Bucky's death. He does finish the mission, pumped with adrenaline, but he's completely cold afterwards.

The other Commandos, after the initial shock, are slowly getting better, dealing with it like they're dealing with all the horrible things that happen in the war. They're getting over it, Steve thinks quite bitterly.

  
They talk to him, try to distract him, Dum-Dum makes stupid jokes in an attempt to cheer him up- and Steve feels outright insulted by it, because how could he feel even remotely happy, when Bucky is gone?

He even thinks about reporting them for insubordination, but then he thinks that there's no way Bucky would be okay with that, so he leaves them be.

 

 

_\- - -Loving you forever, can't be wrong. - - - Even though you're not here, won't move on. - - -_

 

Some in his situation might take it as a sign from God, to be released from the dark desire that even the serum couldn’t cure.

  
But Steve had already taken the latter as a sign: that there was nothing to be cured about his feelings.  
He won’t go on and pretend to love Peggy, or any woman, not when in reality his heart will always belong to his best friend since childhood. 

Sometimes he tells himself that it's because it wouldn't be fair on the Dame, but he knows better.

 

 

_\- - - And there's no remedy for memory your face is like a melody - It won't leave my head - - -_

  
_\- - - Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine - But I wish I was dead - - -_

 

At night, when he's lying in his tent, alone in the darkness, Bucky's face is floating before him clear as day, and he can't fall asleep at all

  
In daytime, he's being more and more morose, if because of the sleep deprivation or due to Bucky’s ongoing absence, he can't tell.

He just hopes the other soldiers will just see it as grimness of war.

  
He remembers Bucky's voice, how he kept telling him he'd be okay, after all the sicknesses he's had when he was still smaller...  
And now the voice is mocking him, because there's no cure when your one true love is dead.

 

He’s getting reckless, winning all his battles but the outcome isn’t always obvious from the start.

  
One evening, after he nearly got himself shot in what was a completely unnecessary curse of action, Agent Carter comes to him.

  
Talking to Peggy is better than the attempted pep talks of the commandos, she seems to get it (at least to a certain degree), because she doesn't try to cheer him up and instead tells him that not everything is lost, that they still have a war to win, that Bucky's loss shouldn't be in vain.

And he listens.


	2. Born To Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the war is over, there's nothing keeping Steve alive.  
> He crashes the plane, and it's not an act of bravery at all, because he's not afraid.  
> The only person he wants to meet again is Bucky. 
> 
> When the ice has taken him completely, and he's waiting for death, his faith wavers, and he begins doubting himself, his goodness... And He thinks- what if they're right, the ones that say that people like him will go to hell... What if he'll never see Bucky again, because there's no way Bucky could feel that way, and even if he did, he wouldn't have let it take him over the way Steve had, and no matter what- James Buchanan Barnes didn't deserve hell.  
> But maybe he himself did-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers will later tell S.H.I.E.L.D. that he fell in the ice and in the next second woke up in a new century, but the truth is, he was lucid through all of it: sometimes aware of himself, sometimes barely drifting and dreaming, and Bucky's face stayed with him until the very end.

When the war is over, there's nothing left for Steve, no-one keeping him with the living.

The only person he longs to meet again is already dead.

  
When he senses that there’s no other way, and he crashes the plane, it's not an act of bravery at all, because he's not afraid anymore.  
  
He talks to Peggy on the speaker, and part of him still cares and hopes that she'll get something out of losing him, more than he could've given her in life.

He knows they were friends to an extend, but he barely noticed her, or anyone, in the end.

If people believe he’s her lost lover, and she’ll still stay strong...

 

  
  
_\- - -_ _I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song…_ _\- - -_

  
The water closes in around him.

  
'Till the end of the line.'

 

It’s barely audible, more of a cough, but he has to get it out, loves that this is what his last words will be, even if nobody is there to listen.  
The world can think his last loving words were directed at Peggy Carter.

He himself knows the truth, and God.  
It has to be enough.

 

  
  
\- - - _Every time I close my eyes_ _-_ _It's like a dark paradise_ _\- - -_

_  
_ _\- - -_ _No one compares to you_ _-_ _But there's no you_ _-_ _Except in my dreams tonight_ _\- - -_

 

Bucky!

He‘s right in front of him, smiling, and he wants to reach out, stroke that beautiful face, but it‘s vanishing right before his eyes-

Just another dream, of course.

At this point, Steve thinks he‘s probably seen the memory version of Bucky‘s face more often than he ever did see him in reality.

 

He‘d known he was dreaming, at first.

When he had still been thinking that he was going to drown, or freeze to death, that Bucky‘s face in his mind were the last thought of a dying man.

 

Now he wasn‘t even sure what he was, not anymore.

Didn‘t know if any time had passed at all- had it only been seconds, in reality, what felt like decades to him?

Was he still on the bridge to death?

 

Or had he already died?

 

 

 

\- - - _Every time I close my eyes_ _-_ _It's like a dark paradise_ _\- - -_

_  
_ _\- - -_ _No one compares to you_ _-_ _I'm scared that you_ _-_ _Won't be waiting_ _on the other side_ _\- - -_

 

 

 

One thing was certain: this was not heaven.

So if he _was_ indeed dead,…..

 

Maybe the people had been right, the ones that said that loving the way he did was sin.

They might have gotten the thing about the satansfires wrong, he‘d gotten a very personal hell instead.

What if he'll never see Bucky again, because there's no way in hell (pun, huh, he can't even consider it funny and he used to have the darkest humor in town) that Bucky would feel that way, Bucky was no fairy, he was a strong man without a serum...

And even if he did, he wouldn't have let it take him over the way Steve had, Bucky had had girls, and anyways, no matter what- James Buchanan Barnes doesn't deserve hell.  
But maybe he himself does-

 

He‘ll never see Bucky again.

 

 

_\- - - No one compares to you - But there's no you - Except in my dreams tonight - - -  
_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the idea that Steve would be conscious throughout the entire time in the ice by Warehouse 13‘s [H.G. Wells](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helena_G._Wells), who has that experience from being bronzed.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: It‘s really weird for me as an atheist to write something out of the perspective of a religious person btw… if anyone has suggestions about how to make sth better or more realistic, do tell!
> 
> Kudos, nice comments and constructive criticism are always appreciated! 
> 
> Not beta read yet
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **[next part :)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10761192)**
> 
>  
> 
> **[tumblr](https://lilolilyrae.tumblr.com) **


End file.
